Journal Entry: Reflection of 9-11

It’s hard to believe that it has been 9 yrs. since that fateful day. I don’t always realize it but I am still affected by the experience, by the emotion that seized me as I watched a plane dive into the World Trade Center on TV. At first, I was driving down the Interstate listening to the radio after taking my husband to work. I heard what I thought at the time was a commercial for a movie and I remember thinking “That sounds like a bad movie, I don’t want to see it.” At the end of the segment, it was repeated so it dawned on me that it was news not fiction. It worried me. I rushed home to watch TV news. Up to this point, I was curious how an accident like this with a plane could even happen. I had to find out so I trusted what was being said on TV. Safe in my home, I tuned in and in just a very few minutes another plane hit a second huge tower in New York. I was stunned. How could this be real? I already wished that it wasn’t. People - real people were dying even jumping to their deaths. It scared me. I was gripped with a feeling that I couldn’t shake that my husband would eventually be deployed to war. This was real. It wouldn’t be something that an American President would be able to ignore. Life around me was changing. Tears still well up in my eyes, even now, as I truly think of the magnitude of this day and what has happened in my life since which in comparison to those lost is insignificant. I will never forget.

*This picture above was taken when we welcomed our husband/dad home from his deployment in Iraq. (Nov. 2005)

Starting again with Poetry

I've been processing in my mind back and forth about this blog. I've been really struggling with blogging very much of anything lately. I've thought about deleting it entirely but I don't think I can do that even. I've put effort into this blog whether or not I'm writing on here. I love to write and I looked on blogging as a fun way to keep a log of what I love. That's what this blog is all about. Ideas & reflection. Eventually, I'm sure I'll get back to writing and blogging more. I actually have a notebook full of ideas that I'd like to write into blogs but I obviously haven't as of yet. I've even considered just starting a whole new blog over but I'm not sure if that's the answer yet either until I'm ready to be more consistent and serious as that's what I feel I should be about blogging. So, for now I shared this poem recently again with a poetry group and as I'm awaiting their thoughts I thought I'd start somewhere again on this blog and share it with you.

Here is a poem I wrote mainly to provide awareness for mental illness. It is very real and deep for those who experience it and for others around them experiencing it along with them and struggling to understand, whether or not to help but most of all trying to love them unconditionally. Even I feel a need to be more aware and understanding of this real issue so that's why I wrote this in March of 2008. This is a raw draft. Anyway, I'm curious as to what you might think of my poetry anyway. Here goes:

Mental Twist
By Julie A. Carter

There is a pain
a twist inside
I don’t understand
buried deep within
I can feel it now
almost as if it were
hidden in the shadows
amongst tiny crevices
yet its twisted and creeps up
through my heart
spiraling, tingling
a hurtful sensation
physically sick

“Anxiety, they tell me
Calm your nerves.”
I can’t - -
I don’t understand why
I thought my life was going great
I thought I was easy going,
Even optimistic
What do you mean, I’m not?

“Medication, that’s what you need
Then it will go away
You’ll function again.”
I try, but it’s strange
and new - -
Actually, I can’t think
I feel
numb
Perhaps before I could
feel
but I’m forgetting about
before
All I know is
I just hurt - -

There is a pain
a twist inside
I don’t understand


*image taken from this blog.